confessing a little lesson

i have always felt that any place begins to feel like home when you are out and about and you recognize people.  not sales associates.  not the barrista that typically works her shift when you go in.  no, its a different kind of recognizing.

its community.  it starts of so weak... but you can see a glimmer of community.  i recognize you.  you recognize me.  outside of where we normally see each other.

well, yesterday, i had my first glimmer of community here in sunny socal.  it happened twice.  i should feel happy, but really, the whole damn thing humbled me.  and that's okay.

espisode 1:

i am in trader joes... stocking up on all the essentials that i can never seem to keep more than a few days at home, and then i noticed to my right a pregnant lady.  she is the hugely pregnant kind... the kind where surely she must be very close.  {and don't worry, i did not say anything remotely offensive like that}

she had opened a four pack of iced cupcakes and was inhaling it.  she also had 3 other kids with her... middle school and junior high looking kids.  we made grocery store/pregnancy story/homeschool small talk.  i had thought that i recognized her, and was correct.  but she mentioned it to me first!  she recognized me too.

and this is where my mind should have left it.

but, oh no.  not my ego.  i had to mentally trash this lady's poorly behaving children.  she must have not demanded respect!  and unschooling! sheesh!  and her son was kicked out of our learning center for a bad attitude!  he admitted that in a bragging tone!  control your kids.  give them structure.  c'mon.

my sad, sinful heart.  i didn't express this aloud.  i was kind to the lady, i didn't give one disapproving look or glance.  i was upbeat.

i was proud of myself.  in several different ways.  proud to not unschool.  proud to be a hard ass when my kids sass me.  proud i wasn't eating an iced cupcake in the store while my kids whined they wanted one.

i was proud that i thought all of this and managed to act otherwise.

we are kidding ourselves if we think we only do this occasionally.  unless we are deliberate, our lives are swathed with this judgmental outlook.  we do ourselves no favors.  we certainly don't embody love when we judge others.

now... fast forward.  preschool pick up.  my precious little angel savannah.  who i will admit has her own moments of crazy disobedience.  pushing the limits.  adding gray hair to my head.

but she looks so darling.  i want to drink her in.  i simply cannot get enough.  we go to the library.  the post office.  the park.  she is charming everyone we encounter.  our cup overflows with compliments.

episode 2:   

at the park.  a new {to us} park.  near her school.  and the beach.  its overcast now, but still lovely.  i snap photos of our sweet lamb...

i sit down... i think i will just instagram a few... then i hear someone say, "hey, i think that they are in the same preschool class"

indeed.  they are.  and this is the nanny.  i get a weird vibe right off the bat.  my ego wants to list off how i am awesome.

oh, stephanie.

savannah decides then that she needs to pee.  nevermind that 30 feet away are nice bathrooms.  nevermind that she has been potty trained for a long time now.

nevermind.

she raises her dress.  pulls down her bloomers and hanna andersson panties.  and pops a squat.

time moves like glaciers.

swoosh in - pick her up while pulling up panties - football hold as i run like a QB for the facilities - she begins to dribble like a watering can, sprinkling the perimeter of the playground and the spongy ground covering.

we end right in front of the super put together mom and dad, sitting on a bench.  think -- j.crew family.  one child.  perfectly mussed hair.  mom and dad in just-for-looks active wear.  what was an adoring look at savannah when we first arrived at the park was now a look of horror.

it was a look of:  we don't do real life.

and then we had the wet underpants and bloomers.  she wanted them off NOW.  LOUDLY.  i chose to comply rather than keep hauling her to the bathroom.  i made idle chit chat with the perfect couple... stunned by the events i said she's been potty trained for ages.  totally crazy.  engrossed in playing and forgot.

i got the look that said it all... "sure lady.  i call bullshit."

but i thought to myself... shake it off.  nbd

and then i sat down... sister now playing happily in fresh underpants and same darling dress {thank god for extra clothes in my backpack}

then i sit down again.  start to chit chat with nanny.  apparently still a bit overly chatty from the tt issue.  i talk about potty training.  where we go to school.  god knows what else.  but all she does is wrinkle her nose and do that sneering frown smile thing and say things like, "yeah, well.  i don't know..."  the tone and the sneer where clearly disdainful but i can't type anything to explain the energy she was throwing out.

and then it hit me.

and i was grateful.

i was happy savannah peed on my feet and the playground.  i needed to be peed on.  i needed to be reminded that episode 1 was linked to episode 2.  that i get what i give.  i sent out disapproval into the universe and received it.

i didn't give out honest lovingkindness earlier.

it was like i looked in the mirror.  at my ugly.  and i feel like i need to share my lesson.  it was so crystal clear that i had to share.

people are doing their best.  they really are.  and you get what you dwell upon.  view the world with a lens of love.

xoxo, s