whisper to me that everything will be okay


like it or not, we are moving.  i might just be in total denial.  yet, it is really happening.  the truck really will come.  we will be moving.


and like it or not, i will have new waters to navigate.  depending on the day (hour? minute?) i feel excited.  or bummed out.  or nervous.  i don't exactly do change well.  when we moved out here, in the months leading up to the move, and then after the move i had a constant eye twitch.  like, for six whole months.  the day the truck came, i literally had moments where i forgot to breathe.


but this is really happening.  and i need to embrace it with grace.

and the house hunt.  finding the perfect rental.  that needs to happen with grace.


and if i am being really honest, i haven't been so graceful.  the *perfect* house came on to the rental market and then had a contract pending before i ever saw it.  i have been completely bummed out.  how could i have missed it?  why did we miss it?  does God even care?  i mean, there are big things out there that God surely is worrying about?  my house hunt... i am being picky.  hasn't He lost patience with this one?


and then, my favorite yoga instructor, posted a beautiful paragraph or two about change and contentedness.  i wanted to write back, tell her i needed her to go everywhere with me and whisper that to me everyday for the next two months.


and then it hit me.  i already have someone who can whisper these things to me.  that is present through all of my days.  He can move mountains.  He is master of the universe.

so i will inhale.  and exhale.  and keep alert.  i will trust that we will be exactly where we need to be.  have i not seen such faithfulness before?  i have.  have i not been well taken care of?  indeed, i have.

and so i work to shift.  shift from scarcity to abundance.  from fear to faith.  



by the way... i still have 14,398 unrelated photos to share.  okay? thanks.

xoxo, s

and p.s.  can you please take 1 quick minute to pray over where we will live?  i simply feel quite out of control with it.


authenticity and my recommendation on how to clean your face

sometimes this space on the internet has been a reminder that i don't want to make myself vulnerable.  i desperately don't want to piss people off.  i want to make people feel loved, feel comfortable, feel kindness.

family beach hike...

but that doesn't happen when truth isn't spoken.

and i feel like the only truth i feel comfortable in speaking are my own personal truths... the ones that say, i am lonely.  or i am sad.  or i am so excited i might burst.

but what about other things?  what about me saying i want you to watch a documentary on a controversial issue because it impacted me?  what if i inadvertently imply that i don't agree with you?

you know what?  i have decided that is okay.  really, really, okay.

i think its okay that i am not everyone's flavor of ice cream.  i hate controversy, but simply can't help it anymore.  i have opinions.  i want to share my heart.

i know my opinions aren't blanket statements.  i know there are circumstances beyond control.  i know there are exceptions.  please be graceful with me.

making spring bunnies at our neighbor's house with her nieces

if i say you've just got to use a clarisonic to wash your face because it really will change your life, please, realize, i know that someone teetering on the edge of poverty isn't going to and shouldn't clarisonic their face.  and someone shouldn't go into debt to clarisonic her face.  but if you have have the means to, by golly.  why are you using a rag?  its my personal opinion.  i am allowed to have one.

i can't help it.

i really get it.   you don't HAVE to use one.  we can still be friends. 

but really.  i need an outlet.  this is it.   

so... just warning you.  i won't censor myself.  this might spill over into breastfeeding.  or homeschooling.  or submitting to your husband and taking care of your family.

i can't promise that i can keep my posts clear of my thoughts.  and ultimately, i think that's why i have dwindled down.

ethan's coveted lego gift from santa

a handmade christmas tree while our ornaments were in storage

i also have a lot of pictures of our socal life to post. i mean, i didn't even post christmas or birthdays.  random photos galore. ;)


bringing the blog back

inhale.  exhale.

i'm adding the blog back into my world.  it's been too long.  except i don't know where to start.  so i am just going to the pool instead.

p r o c r a s t i n a t e

maybe i will post again soon.  with substance. 

but you know i still exist because you follow me on instagram, right? 

xoxo, s


confessing a little lesson


i have always felt that any place begins to feel like home when you are out and about and you recognize people.  not sales associates.  not the barrista that typically works her shift when you go in.  no, its a different kind of recognizing.

its community.  it starts of so weak... but you can see a glimmer of community.  i recognize you.  you recognize me.  outside of where we normally see each other.

well, yesterday, i had my first glimmer of community here in sunny socal.  it happened twice.  i should feel happy, but really, the whole damn thing humbled me.  and that's okay.

espisode 1:

i am in trader joes... stocking up on all the essentials that i can never seem to keep more than a few days at home, and then i noticed to my right a pregnant lady.  she is the hugely pregnant kind... the kind where surely she must be very close.  {and don't worry, i did not say anything remotely offensive like that}

she had opened a four pack of iced cupcakes and was inhaling it.  she also had 3 other kids with her... middle school and junior high looking kids.  we made grocery store/pregnancy story/homeschool small talk.  i had thought that i recognized her, and was correct.  but she mentioned it to me first!  she recognized me too.

and this is where my mind should have left it.

but, oh no.  not my ego.  i had to mentally trash this lady's poorly behaving children.  she must have not demanded respect!  and unschooling! sheesh!  and her son was kicked out of our learning center for a bad attitude!  he admitted that in a bragging tone!  control your kids.  give them structure.  c'mon.

my sad, sinful heart.  i didn't express this aloud.  i was kind to the lady, i didn't give one disapproving look or glance.  i was upbeat.

i was proud of myself.  in several different ways.  proud to not unschool.  proud to be a hard ass when my kids sass me.  proud i wasn't eating an iced cupcake in the store while my kids whined they wanted one.

i was proud that i thought all of this and managed to act otherwise.

we are kidding ourselves if we think we only do this occasionally.  unless we are deliberate, our lives are swathed with this judgmental outlook.  we do ourselves no favors.  we certainly don't embody love when we judge others.

now... fast forward.  preschool pick up.  my precious little angel savannah.  who i will admit has her own moments of crazy disobedience.  pushing the limits.  adding gray hair to my head.

but she looks so darling.  i want to drink her in.  i simply cannot get enough.  we go to the library.  the post office.  the park.  she is charming everyone we encounter.  our cup overflows with compliments.

episode 2:   

at the park.  a new {to us} park.  near her school.  and the beach.  its overcast now, but still lovely.  i snap photos of our sweet lamb...

i sit down... i think i will just instagram a few... then i hear someone say, "hey, i think that they are in the same preschool class"

indeed.  they are.  and this is the nanny.  i get a weird vibe right off the bat.  my ego wants to list off how i am awesome.

oh, stephanie.

savannah decides then that she needs to pee.  nevermind that 30 feet away are nice bathrooms.  nevermind that she has been potty trained for a long time now.


she raises her dress.  pulls down her bloomers and hanna andersson panties.  and pops a squat.

time moves like glaciers.

swoosh in - pick her up while pulling up panties - football hold as i run like a QB for the facilities - she begins to dribble like a watering can, sprinkling the perimeter of the playground and the spongy ground covering.

we end right in front of the super put together mom and dad, sitting on a bench.  think -- j.crew family.  one child.  perfectly mussed hair.  mom and dad in just-for-looks active wear.  what was an adoring look at savannah when we first arrived at the park was now a look of horror.

it was a look of:  we don't do real life.

and then we had the wet underpants and bloomers.  she wanted them off NOW.  LOUDLY.  i chose to comply rather than keep hauling her to the bathroom.  i made idle chit chat with the perfect couple... stunned by the events i said she's been potty trained for ages.  totally crazy.  engrossed in playing and forgot.

i got the look that said it all... "sure lady.  i call bullshit."

but i thought to myself... shake it off.  nbd

and then i sat down... sister now playing happily in fresh underpants and same darling dress {thank god for extra clothes in my backpack}

then i sit down again.  start to chit chat with nanny.  apparently still a bit overly chatty from the tt issue.  i talk about potty training.  where we go to school.  god knows what else.  but all she does is wrinkle her nose and do that sneering frown smile thing and say things like, "yeah, well.  i don't know..."  the tone and the sneer where clearly disdainful but i can't type anything to explain the energy she was throwing out.

and then it hit me.

and i was grateful.

i was happy savannah peed on my feet and the playground.  i needed to be peed on.  i needed to be reminded that episode 1 was linked to episode 2.  that i get what i give.  i sent out disapproval into the universe and received it.

i didn't give out honest lovingkindness earlier.

it was like i looked in the mirror.  at my ugly.  and i feel like i need to share my lesson.  it was so crystal clear that i had to share.

people are doing their best.  they really are.  and you get what you dwell upon.  view the world with a lens of love.

xoxo, s


hello folks


i am alive.

i wrote out a blog post at the beginning-ish of the month... it was all about where we've been... what we've done... but it felt soulless.

so i couldn't publish it.

and then, while sitting at the beach (alone!  whoohooo!!) on a sunny tuesday morning, i wrote out another post.  more soulful.

i just haven't sat down to go from handwritten to typed up.  and then add pictures.

and really, i shouldn't even be doing this.  i have a messy house.  we still need to do math.  and i must, and i mean MUST get to the store.  food makes this house happy.

but i have this aching in my heart to write on my blog.  i miss it.  and it feels so good to spill my thoughts into my own little space.  but rest assured that in the last month we have lived it up in SoCal.  and i am, i really am, finding a groove with this teaching stuff.

and i am trying to live struggle free.  and complaint free.  and seek out patience and joy.  and soak up the gorgeous scenery that surrounds me.

and today, fight some sort of pathetic head cold.  in my mind... i thought i wouldn't have a lick of allergies in this part of the world.  what was i thinking?  something is ALWAYS blooming here.

xoxo and achoo.

and i will do a photo dump soon.  i mean, we have had first days of school, and photo ops galore. 
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