The State of Stephanie

we've had a bit of a roller coaster here with the weather.  warm, cold. FREEZING. wretched.  pleasant.  pitiful. lovely.  WONDERFUL. 

my outlook on life has followed suit.   

where do i even start?

valentine's day... was, eh, low key this year.  i did get flowers and chocolates from my husband.  but i didn't go to elaborate measures for a feast that evening.  i thought he was on call {and so did he} so the dinner i had planned was a braum's frozen pizza.

i did, however, completely copy jump on the bandwagon for the "wheelie" valentines' for ethan.  i mean, if you have a little boy that loves cars, how can you resist?  why can't i come up with these adorable ideas on my own?  and why don't i just accept it and move on rather than beat myself up??




i've also got to tell you that i finally read the wonderful book that has been sitting on my nightstand for the last few months.  it was a fill-you-up-with-love-and-gratitude kind of book.  and quite frankly, i needed that.

another point to note has been the difficult world of potty training.  it is like "sleeping through the night" -- people must be LYING about some of their success.  perhaps "lying" is too strong, shall i say, "shedding a rosy light" on the matter...

anyway, after i bought generic pull ups and had ethan meltdown about it, i realized it was high time to go all in on potty training.  if he was that upset about the design on his tush, he could take ownership of this process.  so, i went all in.  pull ups are only for sleeping.  we even attended church with ethan in his big boy underwear, accident free.  then we went out for lunch, accident free.  i even pulled over at a dairy queen on the northside to run ethan into the potty when he said he had to go.  {where is my mommy merit badge for that one??}

i really was shocked when the puddle appeared under the chair at chick-fil-a.  i mention all this because i have been hyper-aware of the potty habits of my children {savannah needs help going.  always.}    on my way to my rhetoric meeting the other evening, i was reflecting on my day, and i was so excited that i was able to witness both children having good poo's before i left for the night {i know, i know, i am over-sharing}  but SERIOUSLY.  what is wrong with this picture?  do you have any idea what kind of mental hamster wheel you are on when you are focused on a 3 year old's potty time?   



moving on.

i must say, i have found real peace in the windows being open, and hearing the the southern breeze rustle the leaves on the trees and bushes.  and i have been making an effort to be very intentional and present.

i've gotten more sleep.  i've reduced caffeine. 

but i've also been a mess.  and maybe the weather brought it on... thinking about living places where our "out of the ordinary" frozen tundra is the norm.  or perhaps the solitude of the snow days...

whatever spurred it, the fact is, i am TERRIFIED about what comes after residency.  real anxiety over it.  where will ethan start kindergarten?  who will his friends be?  will we find a good preschool for savvy?  who will MY friends be?  what are the logistics of moving?  and then moving again a year later?  and what happens after fellowship???

my mind will not stop.

i've lived here since 2004.  i find an honest sense of home in seeing familiar faces.  i find reassurance in knowing what i am up against with my surroundings.  it's not that i don't think it will be sort of cool to live somewhere else for a year {and possibly, somewhere really awesome}, its just that as a mom, i feel like i don't have it all together as it is... and i am on my home turf, here.  what happens when we are gone, i have no friends, a count of zero in my support system, and maybe even a new "culture" living in a different part of the country?? i hyperventilate if i start thinking {too much} about it all.  i swear, i am not exaggerating. 

i think that i am so used to being stuck in the purgatory of my husband's medical training {stuck between school and real life} that it is horribly frightening to think about what comes next.  and the "where" of what comes next. 

i pray that i mesh with a few people.  and not the pseudo social mesh.  the real deal.

i just can.not.shake. the absolute dread of it all.  and then after fellowship, it's the real deal.  and that is terrifying too.  before too long, decisions will be made and things will be set in motion.  it's almost like climbing over a hill and when you get to the top, the midway point on your journey, you see that in the distance there is an even bigger hill that awaits you.  

i mean, if we are really candid, isn't everyone scared that they will get to their "one day" and it not measure up to what they were planning?  i just think that the "one day" of a medical journey is so starkly contrasted by the path to get there, that it really illuminates things that might be more subtle in other peoples journey's.  is this even making sense anymore??!?   

mercy!  i could go on and on about this.

what i really should be doing is channeling this energy into exercise!  but am i?  nah...

instead i will do some reality steve reading about this season's bachelor.  mindless vegging... because what is more fun than that??

xoxo, s